Lose the Bad-itude and Show Gratitude!
The holidays can be rough for a lot of people. Especially for people with health challenges and those who have faced trauma or loss. A friend of mine who is having a particularly hard time this year recently told me that she has nothing to be thankful for this year. I replied, “Nothing? Really?” She has a wonderful husband who would do anything for her. She has a beautiful and healthy daughter. A job she likes. Yes, she suffered a tragedy earlier in the year and Thanksgiving won’t be the same this year. She admitted that she is jealous of all of the families that have grandmas and grandpas and even great grandmas and grandpas all together at Thanksgiving. Life is not turning out to be the perfect life that she imagined it would be. Feelings of “life’s not fair” keep popping up.
If you are trying to conceive and are having challenges, these feelings probably feel familiar to you. I have silently suffered the news of friends and family members getting pregnant for years. I’d say “congratulations” and then go home and cry. News like that felt like a knife to the heart. Why does everyone else I know just imagine sperm swimming up the love canal and get pregnant and I go years without being able to conceive? It isn’t fair. I really want to be pregnant, I really want another child. I’ve even thought bad things about random pregnant women in the grocery store. Now, is that really fair? That woman with the bulging belly may have had to do IVF in order to get pregnant. Or maybe she was barfing her brains out the first 3 months of her pregnancy. Maybe she just found out her husband is having an affair and she is facing life as a single mom. Or maybe, she really does have a nice, happy family. It’s still no reason to hate her. If you would have asked me 6 months ago if I could look at a woman like that and be genuinely happy for her, I’d have laughed at you. I still had not let go of the bitterness and jealousy that encompassed my heart. The reason I could not let go is that I did not realize how much I really had to be grateful for in my life.
What do you do if you are tortured by feelings of jealousy and “why me?” this holiday season? I’ll share with you a simple exercise that you can do to reduce your jealousy demon and allow gratitude into your heart. When you plant seeds of jealousy, more jealousy will grow. And you will continue to be miserable. Why not practice some compassion and love instead? By planting compassion and love, more will grow and soon you will realize that these feelings of jealousy no longer plague you. You will come to see that pain is all relative, and that one person’s pain and suffering is not greater or less than your own. You will be able to see your friends’ suffering, therefore you will be able to not only see but share in their happiness as well. Not just share it, but really feel it. And this feels much better than the bitter feelings of jealousy that pinch, nag and kick down your psyche.
How to Reduce Feelings of Jealousy
Create an altar of gratitude. Take 5 candles and line them up on a table or other flat surface. On a sheet of paper or in a notebook, write down 5 things for which you are truly grateful. Light your first candle and say out loud, “I am thankful for _____ because ______. ” Look at your paper and say the second thing on your list, then light the second candle. Repeat the phrase. Do this for the third, fourth and fifth items on your list. When all of your candles are lit, spend a few moments in silence, holding that feeling of gratitude in your heart. When you are finished, blow out the candles but keep the paper with your list on it. Hang it someplace where you will see it often – a mirrror, your refrigerator. You could even make a screen saver with your list on it to remind you on a daily basis. Remember that you can go to your altar whenever you need to get back in touch with those feelings of gratitude.
As I have really gotten in touch with the suffering of other women with PCOS and others who are trying to conceive, my love and compassion has grown immensely. If someone announces that she is pregnant, I truly do feel happy for her. Her triumphs give me hope and I feel connected not only to her suffering but to her happiness as well. And this feels so much better than being jealous. I still have those feelings of ”I wish it was me” but I replace those thoughts with “This will be me soon”. I am preparing to have a baby in every way. A baby will come into my life, I just am not sure of exactly how he or she will get here. But I am grateful for the journey I am taking and all of the memories I am making along the way!
An entry from my gratitude journal:
I am thankful for my supportive family. I know that no matter what happens, no one is judging me for the choices that I have made. I am grateful for my husband and my daughter, Liliana. I am grateful that I get to spend so much time with them and get to make wonderful memories each and every day. I am grateful for every “I love you” and the feelings of good energy that are transferred into my very being each and every day. I am grateful for the love of my kitty and my puppies – it feels great to be loved so much unconditionally. They have taught me that there is no place in my life for jealousy or ill will. I am grateful to God for all of the opportunities I have had in my life. I know that I am going down the path that I am meant to take. I am grateful for His love and support; without Him I would be nothing.
Take a few moments to write down 5 things for which you are grateful. Put a little bit more meaning into the holiday this year. Happy Thanksgiving! I am truly grateful for all of your support and feedback!
Holly
