Am I Grown Up Already?
It seems like just yesterday I was graduating from college with all of these hopeful dreams that I would someday have a great career, a wonderful family and many, many people would know my name. Thirteen years later I look back and all I can ask myself is “Where did the time go?” It seems like since I have been “grown up” time has really started to fly by. I can remember being young and stuck inside on a rainy day with nothing to do. Time passed so SLOWLY. Now, even on rainy, boring days, the time passes much too quickly.
Yes, I have gotten older. I do all of the things that “adults” do. But there is still a little girl inside me that longs to have fun and be free. She throws fits when she doesn’t get her way. She is happy with the simple things in life and doesn’t think too much about the future. She is shoved into the background most every day because, darn it, life gets in the way. My adult life. The one I am always not so happy with. The one that has been difficult, heartbreaking, roller-coaster like, and yes, sometimes disappointing. I hate looking back on my life and seeing the huge gap of where I thought I “should” be and where I stand today. I do believe that everything in life has a purpose; everything happens for a reason. I regret doing a lot of things, but most of all I regret the things that I did not do. The things I did not do because I was afraid. Or too shy to do. Or too damn lazy. Because time has gone by really quickly and it serves as a constant reminder that we do not live forever, and once time has passed we cannot get it back. I regret living much of my life in an apathetic state, not caring enough about myself or what happened to me to take action and make a better life.
I don’t know how much longer I will be on this earth. I would like to stop living my life in fear and do things even though they scare me. I no longer wish to wander through the forest of my life feeling numb to the pricks of the thorns that symbolize excitement, change and love. I want to really FEEL what is going on, even if it is not all that pleasant. I’ve always felt that one day my words would tell a fantastic story yet how can I tell this story if I go through life experiencing nothing? I want to be raw; exposed. I want to be wounded so that I can heal and be proud of the scar that is left behind. I want to inspire others to inspire others not to WASTE their lives away.
Life does not always deal us a fair hand. But today I am choosing to harbor no ill will toward others who appear to be more “blessed” than I am. Despite all of the bad times, teardrops shed, heartbreaking disappointment and longing for something “more” there have been some high points along the way as well. We control the future so much more than we realize. We can change the way we think about our lives, even if we can’t control what happens in them all of the time.
I think tomorrow is going to be a fun, productive and joy-filled day. One day at a time – one affirmation at a time. I can’t believe that I am grown up already! But that doesn’t mean that I always have to think like a grown up. The little girl inside me can live on and not think too much about the future and things that she cannot control. She can be happy that she is alive and that she has everything she needs for this single moment. And she can be excited about the small stuff like Cool Whip on warm apples and a vacation to Walt Disney World.
The only thing we can be sure of is that time is going to pass much too quickly. Are you making the most of today? How are you planning on spending tomorrow?
